How to network when you hate networking

At my first job out of school I was sent to a "young professionals mixer" at a hotel in Frankfurt. I stood near the snacks with a warm glass of white wine for an hour. I spoke to two people. One sold insurance. The other was looking for a roommate.

I left convinced networking was a scam invented by extroverts.

It took ten more years to figure out that those mixers aren't networking. They're a badly designed format nobody enjoys. The actual thing — the thing that moves your career — looks nothing like that.

If you hate networking, it's probably because the version you've been shown is the bad version. Here's the version that works.

What networking actually is

Real networking is this: one person you already know somewhat, one hour of their time, one specific question you want their view on.

That's it. No business cards. No elevator pitch. No strangers. No pretending to be more sociable than you are.

The goal isn't to "expand your network." The goal is to have six to ten real conversations a year with people who know things you don't. Done right, one of those conversations a year ends up mattering to your career.

Who to actually talk to

The instinct when people tell you to network is to think of strangers. Big mistake. Stranger outreach is hard and the response rates are brutal.

The richest seam is people you already know slightly. Former colleagues. Ex-managers. People you were in a cohort with. People who did the kind of job you're thinking about moving into. You don't need to pretend you're closer than you are. You just need an honest reason to talk.

Open your LinkedIn. Scroll your connections. Mark the ones who are in roles, industries, or companies you're curious about. That list is your target.

The ask

Here's the email or message that works, because it's the one I actually send.

Subject: Picking your brain on [specific topic]

Hi Lena,

Hope Berlin's treating you well. I'm starting to think seriously about moving from agency to in-house marketing, and I noticed you made that jump about two years ago.

Any chance I could get 30 minutes of your time on a call to hear how you thought about it? I've got specific questions — not just general curiosity — and I'll come prepared so we don't waste your time.

Happy to work around your schedule. Totally fine if it's a no.

— Jan

Four things are doing work in that email.

The subject is specific, not "Catching up." The ask is bounded (30 minutes). The premise is honest (you noticed what they did, you want to hear about it). And the "totally fine if it's a no" takes pressure off them to reply at all, which paradoxically makes them more likely to reply.

Response rate on notes like this is somewhere around 60–70% if you're writing to people you have a genuine connection to. That's way higher than the random cold stuff.

What to do on the call

The thing nobody tells you: the call is easy if you've prepared. It's excruciating if you haven't.

Write down three specific questions in advance. Not "what do you think I should do." Specific ones. "What was the part of the transition you didn't expect?" "If you were making the jump today, what would you do differently?" "Is there anyone else you'd recommend I talk to?"

That last question is quietly the most important. Every conversation should produce one more conversation. That's how networks grow. Not through events. Through threads.

End the call at 25 minutes, not 45. You said 30. Respect it. Sending a two-line thank-you note afterward — including a concrete thing you took away — makes them remember you.

The monthly cadence

Here's the whole system, scaled down for people who hate this stuff.

Six calls a month. That's one or two a week. Each call is 30 minutes. Total time commitment: three hours a month, plus maybe an hour of prep.

Every call should produce either one new introduction or one thing you now know you didn't know before. If it produces neither, you picked the wrong person — adjust next time.

Keep a list somewhere (a Notion page, a spreadsheet, whatever) of who you've talked to and what came out of it. You will forget otherwise. I know because I did.

The part that feels like magic

Do this for a year and you've had 60–70 real conversations with people in your industry. You've been introduced to another 20 by them. You know who's hiring, what's falling apart, who's about to leave. When you need a job you don't open a job board. You tell eight people. One of them knows about the thing.

It's not magic. It's just what happens when you talk to the right number of people over a long period. None of it requires the hotel conference room.

Takeaway

Networking done right is six boring coffee chats a month, not one exhausting mixer a quarter. Pick the people you already half-know, write specific asks, end on time, follow the threads.